Clattery MacHinery on Poetry

January 28, 2008

Lite Verse with No Cholesterol or Trans Fat, by 33 Already Dead Poets, 6 Unknown Anyway

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The following poems are selected from the 1920 collection The Book of Humorous Verse, edited by Carolyn Wells (1862-1942).    Each poet is represented only once, and in alphabetical order. However, links are provided so that you can investigate each one.
 

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by L. J. Bridgman (1857-1931)
 

On Knowing When to Stop
 

The woodchuck told it all about.
    “I’m going to build a dwelling
Six stories high, up to the sky!”
    He never tired of telling.

He dug the cellar smooth and well
    But made no more advances;
That lovely hole so pleased his soul
    And satisfied his fancies.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Robert Browning (1812-1889)
 

The Pied Piper of Hamelin
 

    Hamelin Town’s in Brunswick,
By famous Hanover City;
    The river Weser, deep and wide,
    Washes its wall on the southern side;
    A pleasanter spot you never spied;
But when begins my ditty,
    Almost five hundred years ago,
    To see the townsfolk suffer so
        From vermin was a pity.

        Rats!
They fought the dogs, and killed the cats,
    And bit the babies in the cradles,
And ate the cheeses out of the vats,
    And licked the soup from the cook’s own ladles,
    Split open the kegs of salted sprats,
    Made nests inside men’s Sunday hats,
    And even spoiled the women’s chats,
        By drowning their speaking
        With shrieking and squeaking
    In fifty different sharps and flats.

    At last the people in a body
        To the Town Hall came flocking:
    “Tis clear,” cried they, “our Mayor’s a noddy;
        And as for our Corporation—shocking
    To think we buy gowns lined with ermine
    For dolts that can’t or won’t determine
    What’s best to rid us of our vermin!
    You hope, because you’re old and obese,
    To find in the furry civic robe ease?
    Rouse up, Sirs! Give your brains a racking
    To find the remedy we’re lacking,
    Or, sure as fate, we’ll send you packing!”
At this the Mayor and Corporation
Quaked with a mighty consternation.

    An hour they sate in council,
        At length the Mayor broke silence:
    “For a guilder I’d my ermine gown sell!
        I wish I were a mile hence!
    It’s easy to bid one rack one’s brain—
    I’m sure my poor head aches again
    I’ve scratched it so, and all in vain.
    Oh, for a trap, a trap, a trap!”

Just as he said this, what should hap
At the chamber door but a gentle tap?
“Bless us,” cried the Mayor, “what’s that?”
(With the Corporation as he sat,
Looking little though wondrous fat;
Nor brighter was his eye, nor moister,
Than a too-long-opened oyster,
Save when at noon his paunch grew mutinous
For a plate of turtle green and glutinous),
“Only a scraping of shoes on the mat?
Anything like the sound of a rat
Makes my heart go pit-a-pat!”

“Come in!”—the Mayor cried, looking bigger:
And in did come the strangest figure.
His queer long coat from heel to head
Was half of yellow and half of red;
And he himself was tall and thin,
With sharp blue eyes, each like a pin,
And light loose hair, yet swarthy skin,
No tuft on cheek nor beard on chin,
But lips where smiles went out and in;
There was no guessing his kith and kin:
And nobody could enough admire
The tall man and his quaint attire.
Quoth one: “It’s as my great grandsire,
Starting up at the Trump of Doom’s tone,
Had walked this way from his painted tombstone!”

He advanced to the council-table;
And, “Please your honours,” said he, “I’m able,
By means of a secret charm, to draw
All creatures living beneath the sun,
That creep or swim or fly or run,
After me so as you never saw!
And I chiefly use my charm
On creatures that do people harm,
The mole and toad and newt and viper;
And people call me the Pied Piper.”
(And here they noticed round his neck
A scarf of red and yellow stripe,
To match with his coat of the selfsame cheque;
And at the scarf’s end hung a pipe;
And his fingers, they noticed, were ever straying
As if impatient to be playing
Upon this pipe, as low it dangled
Over his vesture so old-fangled.)
“Yet,” said he, “poor piper as I am,
In Tartary I freed the Cham,
Last June, from his huge swarms of gnats;
I eased in Asia the Nizam
Of a monstrous brood of vampyre bats:
And as for what your brain bewilders,
If I can rid your town of rats,
Will you give me a thousand guilders?”
“One? fifty thousand!” was the exclamation
Of the astonished Mayor and Corporation.

Into the street the Piper stept,
    Smiling first a little smile,
As if he knew what magic slept
    In his quiet pipe the while;
Then, like a musical adept,
To blow the pipe his lips he wrinkled,
And green and blue his sharp eyes twinkled
Like a candle flame where salt is sprinkled;
And ere three shrill notes the pipe uttered,
You heard as if an army muttered;
And the muttering grew to a grumbling;
And the grumbling grew to a mighty rumbling;
And out of the house the rats came tumbling.
Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats,
Brown rats, black rats, grey rats, tawny rats,
Grave old plodders, gay young friskers,
    Fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins,
Cocking tails and pricking whiskers,
    Families by tens and dozens,
Brothers, sisters, husbands, wives—
Followed the Piper for their lives.
From street to street he piped advancing,
And step by step they followed dancing,
Until they came to the river Weser
Wherein all plunged and perished
—Save one, who, stout as Julius Cæsar,
Swam across and lived to carry
(As he the manuscript he cherished)
To Rat-land home his commentary,
Which was, “At the first shrill notes of the pipe,
I heard a sound as of scraping tripe,
And putting apples wondrous ripe,
Into a cider-press’s gripe:
And a moving away of pickle-tub boards,
And a leaving ajar of conserve cupboards,
And a drawing the corks of train-oil-flasks,
And a breaking the hoops of butter-casks:

And it seemed as if a voice
(Sweeter far than by harp or by psaltery
Is breathed) called out, Oh rats, rejoice!
The world is grown to one vast drysaltery!
So munch on, crunch on, take your nuncheon,
Breakfast, supper, dinner, luncheon!
And just as a bulky sugar puncheon,
All ready staved, like a great sun shone
Glorious scarce an inch before me,
Just as methought it said, Come, bore me!
—I found the Weser rolling o’er me.”

You should have heard the Hamelin people
Ringing the bells till they rocked the steeple.
“Go,” cried the Mayor, “and get long poles!
Poke out the nests and block up the holes!
Consult with carpenters and builders,
And leave in our town not even a trace
Of the rats!”—when suddenly, up the face
Of the piper perked in the market-place,
With a “First, if you please, my thousand guilders!”

A thousand guilders! The Mayor looked blue;
So did the Corporation too.
For council dinners made rare havock
With Claret, Moselle, Vin-de-Grave, Hock;
And half the money would replenish
Their cellar’s biggest butt with Rhenish.
To pay this sum to a wandering fellow
With a gipsy coat of red and yellow!
“Beside,” quoth the Mayor with a knowing wink,
“Our business was done at the river’s brink;
We saw with our eyes the vermin sink,
And what’s dead can’t come to life, I think.
So, friend, we’re not the folks to shrink
From the duty of giving you something to drink,
And a matter of money to put in your poke;
But as for the guilders, what we spoke
Of them, as you very well know, was in joke;
Beside, our losses have made us thrifty:
A thousand guilders! Come, take fifty!”

The Piper’s face fell, and he cried,
“No trifling! I can’t wait, beside!
I’ve promised to visit by dinner time
Bagdad, and accept the prime
Of the Head Cook’s pottage, all he’s rich in,
For having left in the Caliph’s kitchen,
Of a nest of scorpions no survivor:
With him I proved no bargain-driver,
With you, don’t think I’ll bate a stiver!
And folks who put me in a passion
May find me pipe after another fashion.”

“How?” cried the Mayor, “d’ye think I’ll brook
Being worse treated than a Cook?
Insulted by a lazy ribald
With idle pipe and vesture piebald?
You threaten us, fellow? Do your worst,
Blow your pipe there till you burst!”

Once more he stept into the street;
And to his lips again
Laid his long pipe of smooth straight cane;
And ere he blew three notes (such sweet
Soft notes as yet musician’s cunning
    Never gave the enraptured air),
There was a rustling, that seemed like a bustling
Of merry crowds justling at pitching and hustling,
Small feet were pattering, wooden shoes clattering,
Little hands clapping and little tongues chattering,
And, like fowls in a farmyard when barley is scattering,
Out came the children running.
All the little boys and girls,
With rosy cheeks and flaxen curls
And sparkling eyes and teeth like pearls,
Tripping and skipping, ran merrily after
The wonderful music with shouting and laughter.

The Mayor was dumb, and the Council stood
As if they were changed into blocks of wood,
Unable to move a step, or cry
To the children merrily skipping by,
And could only follow with the eye

That joyous crowd at the Piper’s back.
But how the Mayor was on the rack,
And the wretched Council’s bosoms beat,
As the Piper turned from the High Street
To where the Weser rolled its waters
Right in the way of their sons and daughters!
However he turned from South to West,
And to Koppelberg Hill his steps addressed,
And after him the children pressed;
Great was the joy in every breast.
“He never can cross that mighty top!
    He’s forced to let the piping drop,
And we shall see our children stop!”
When, lo, as they reached the mountain’s side,
A wondrous portal opened wide,
As if a cavern were suddenly hollowed;
And the Piper advanced and the children followed,
And when all were in to the very last,
The door in the mountain-side shut fast.
Did I say—all? No! one was lame,
And could not dance the whole of the way;
And in after years, if you would blame
His sadness, he was used to say,—
“It’s dull in our town since my playmates left;
I can’t forget that I’m bereft
Of all the pleasant sights they see,
Which the Piper also promised me;
For he led us, he said, to a joyous land,
Joining the town and just at hand,
Where waters gushed and fruit-trees grew,
And flowers put forth a fairer hue,
And everything was strange and new;
The sparrows were brighter than peacocks here,
And their dogs outran our fallow deer,
And honey-bees had lost their stings;
And horses were born with eagle’s wings;
And just as I became assured
My lame foot would be speedily cured,
The music stopped, and I stood still,
And found myself outside the Hill,
Left alone against my will,
To go now limping as before,
And never hear of that country more!”

Alas, alas, for Hamelin!
    There came into many a burgher’s pate
    A text which says, that Heaven’s Gate
    Opes to the Rich at as easy rate
As the needle’s eye takes a camel in!
The Mayor sent East, West, North, and South,
To offer the Piper by word of mouth,
    Wherever it was men’s lot to find him,
Silver and gold to his heart’s content,
If he’d only return the way he went,
    And bring the children all behind him.
But when they saw ’twas a lost endeavour,
And Piper and dancers were gone for ever,
They made a decree that lawyers never
    Should think their records dated duly
If, after the day of the month and year,
These words did not as well appear,
    “And so long after what happened here
    On the twenty-second of July,
Thirteen hundred and seventy-six:”
And the better in memory to fix
The place of the Children’s last retreat,
They called it the Pied Piper’s Street—
Where any one playing on pipe or tabor
Was sure for the future to lose his labour.
Nor suffered they hostelry or tavern
    To shock with mirth a street so solemn;
But opposite the place of the cavern
    They wrote the story on a column.
And on the great Church Window painted
The same, to make the world acquainted
How their children were stolen away,
And there it stands to this very day.
And I must not omit to say
That in Transylvania there’s a tribe
Of alien people that ascribe
The outlandish ways and dress,
On which their neighbours lay such stress,
To their fathers and mothers having risen
Out of some subterraneous prison,
Into which they were trepanned
Long time ago in a mighty band
Out of Hamelin town in Brunswick Land,
But how or why, they don’t understand.

So, Willy, let me and you be wipers
Of scores out with all men—especially pipers;
And, whether they pipe us free from rats or from mice,
If we’ve promised them aught, let us keep our promise.
 

 
                                                                       

~~~~~

 


   

by H. C. Bunner (1855-1896)
 

Shake, Mulleary and Go-ethe
 

                        I

I have a bookcase, which is what
Many much better men have not.
There are no books inside, for books,
I am afraid, might spoil its looks.
But I’ve three busts, all second-hand,
Upon the top. You understand
I could not put them underneath—
Shake, Mulleary and Go-ethe.

                        II

Shake was a dramatist of note;
He lived by writing things to quote,
He long ago put on his shroud:
Some of his works are rather loud.
His bald-spot’s dusty, I suppose.
I know there’s dust upon his nose.
I’ll have to give each nose a sheath—
Shake, Mulleary and Go-ethe.

                    III

Mulleary’s line was quite the same;
He has more hair, but far less fame.
I would not from that fame retrench—
But he is foreign, being French.
Yet high his haughty head he heaves,
The only one done up in leaves,
They’re rather limited on wreath—
Shake, Mulleary and Go-ethe.

                        IV

Go-ethe wrote in the German tongue:
He must have learned it very young.
His nose is quite a butt for scoff,
Although an inch of it is off.
He did quite nicely for the Dutch;
But here he doesn’t count for much.
They all are off their native heath—
Shake, Mulleary and Go-ethe.

                        V

They sit there, on their chests, as bland
As if they were not second-hand.
I do not know of what they think,
Nor why they never frown or wink,
But why from smiling they refrain
I think I clearly can explain:
They none of them could show much teeth—
Shake, Mulleary and Go-ethe.
 

 

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by Phoebe Cary (1824-1871)
 

Reuben
 

That very time I saw, (but thou couldst not),
Walking between the garden and the barn,
Reuben, all armed; a certain aim he took
At a young chicken, standing by a post,
And loosed his bullet smartly from his gun,
As he would kill a hundred thousand hens.
But I might see young Reuben’s fiery shot
Lodged in the chaste board of the garden fence,
And the domesticated fowl passed on
In henly meditation, bullet free.
 

 

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by Lewis Carroll (Charles Dodgson, 1832-1898)
 

Jabberwocky
 

‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
    Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
    And the mome raths outgrabe.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
    The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
    The frumious Bandersnatch!”

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
    Long time the manxome foe he sought.
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
    And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
    The Jabberwock with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
    And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through, and through
    The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
    He went galumphing back.

“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
    Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
Oh, frabjous day! Callooh! callay!”
    He chortled in his joy.

‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
    Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves
    And the mome raths outgrabe.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by H. Cholmondeley-Pennell (1837-1915)
 

Lay of the Deserted Influenzaed
 

Doe, doe!
    I shall dever see her bore!
Dever bore our feet shall rove
    The beadows as of yore!
Dever bore with byrtle boughs
    Her tresses shall I twide—
Dever bore her bellow voice
    Bake bellody with bide!
Dever shall we lidger bore,
    Abid the flow’rs at dood,
Dever shall we gaze at dight
    Upon the tedtder bood!
        Ho, doe, doe!
    Those berry tibes have flowd,
Ad I shall dever see her bore,
    By beautiful! by owd!
        Ho, doe, doe!
    I shall dever see her bore,
She will forget be id a bonth,
    (Bost probably before)—
She will forget the byrtle boughs,
    The flow’rs we plucked at dood,
Our beetigs by the tedtder stars.
    Our gazigs at the bood.
Ad I shall dever see agaid
    The Lily and the Rose;
The dabask cheek! the sdowy brow!
    The perfect bouth ad dose!
        Ho, doe, doe!
    Those berry tibes have flowd—
Ad I shall dever see her bore,
    By beautiful! by owd!!
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Allan Cunningham (1784-1842)
 

John Grumlie
 

John Grumlie swore by the light o’ the moon
    And the green leaves on the tree,
That he could do more work in a day
    Than his wife could do in three.
His wife rose up in the morning
    Wi’ cares and troubles enow—
John Grumlie bide at hame, John,
    And I’ll go haud the plow.

First ye maun dress your children fair,
    And put them a’ in their gear;
And ye maun turn the malt, John,
    Or else ye’ll spoil the beer;
And ye maun reel the tweel, John,
    That I span yesterday;
And ye maun ca’ in the hens, John,
    Else they’ll all lay away.

O he did dress his children fair,
    And put them a’ in their gear;
But he forgot to turn the malt,
    And so he spoil’d the beer:
And he sang loud as he reeled the tweel
    That his wife span yesterday;
But he forgot to put up the hens,
    And the hens all layed away.

The hawket crummie loot down nae milk;
    He kirned, nor butter gat;
And a’ gade wrang, and nought gade right;
    He danced with rage, and grat;
Then up he ran to the head o’ the knowe
    Wi’ mony a wave and shout—
She heard him as she heard him not,
    And steered the stots about.

John Grumlie’s wife cam hame at e’en,
    A weary wife and sad,
And burst into a laughter loud,
    And laughed as she’d been mad:
While John Grumlie swore by the light o’ the moon
    And the green leaves on the tree,
If my wife should na win a penny a day
    She’s aye have her will for me.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Nathan Haskell Dole (1852-1935)
 

Our Native Birds
 

Alone I sit at eventide;
    The twilight glory pales,
And o’er the meadows far and wide
    I hear the bobolinks—
    (We have no nightingales!)

Song-sparrows warble on the tree,
    I hear the purling brook,
And from the old manse on the lea
    Flies slow the cawing crow—
    (In England ’twere a rook!)

The last faint golden beams of day
    Still glow on cottage panes,
And on their lingering homeward way
    Walk weary laboring men—
    (Alas! we have no swains!)

From farmyards, down fair rural glades
    Come sounds of tinkling bells,
And songs of merry brown milkmaids
    Sweeter than catbird’s strains—
    (I should say Philomel’s!)

I could sit here till morning came,
    All through the night hours dark,
Until I saw the sun’s bright flame
    And heard the oriole—
    (Alas! we have no lark!)

We have no leas, no larks, no rooks,
    No swains, no nightingales,
No singing milkmaids (save in books)
    The poet does his best:—
    It is the rhyme that fails.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Catherine Fanshawe (1765-1834)
 

Enigma on the Letter H
 

‘Twas whispered in heaven, ’twas muttered in hell,
And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell;
On the confines of earth ’twas permitted to rest,
And the depths of the ocean its presence confessed;
‘Twill be found in the sphere when ’tis riven asunder,
Be seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder.
‘Twas allotted to man with his earliest breath,
It assists at his birth and attends him in death,
Presides o’er his happiness, honor, and health,
Is the prop of his house and the end of his wealth,
In the heaps of the miser is hoarded with care,
But is sure to be lost in his prodigal heir.
It begins every hope, every wish it must bound,
It prays with the hermit, with monarchs is crowned;
Without it the soldier, the sailor, may roam,
But woe to the wretch who expels it from home.
In the whisper of conscience ’tis sure to be found,
Nor e’en in the whirlwind of passion is drowned;
‘Twill soften the heart, but, though deaf to the ear,
It will make it acutely and instantly hear;
But, in short, let it rest like a delicate flower;
Oh, breathe on it softly, it dies in an hour.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Eugene Field (1850-1895)
 

Dutch Lullaby
 

Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one night
    Sailed off in a wooden shoe,—
Sailed on a river of misty light
    Into a sea of dew.
“Where are you going, and what do you wish?”
    The old moon asked the three.
“We have come to fish for the herring-fish
    That live in this beautiful sea;
    Nets of silver and gold have we,”
            Said Wynken,
            Blynken,
            And Nod.

The old moon laughed and sung a song,
    As they rocked in the wooden shoe;
And the wind that sped them all night long
    Ruffled the waves of dew;
The little stars were the herring-fish
    That lived in the beautiful sea.
“Now cast your nets wherever you wish,
    But never afeard are we!”
    So cried the stars to the fishermen three,
            Wynken,
            Blynken,
            And Nod.

All night long their nets they threw
    For the fish in the twinkling foam,
Then down from the sky came the wooden shoe,
    Bringing the fishermen home;
‘Twas all so pretty a sail, it seemed
    As if it could not be;
And some folk thought ’twas a dream they’d dreamed
    Of sailing that beautiful sea;
    But I shall name you the fishermen three:
            Wynken,
            Blynken,
            And Nod.

Wynken and Blynken are two little eyes,
    And Nod is a little head,
And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies
    Is a wee one’s trundle-bed;
So shut your eyes while Mother sings
    Of wonderful sights that be,
And you shall see the beautiful things
    As you rock on the misty sea
    Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three,
            Wynken,
            Blynken,
            And Nod.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by J. W. Foley (1874-1939)
 

Nemesis
 

The man who invented the women’s waists that button down behind,
And the man who invented the cans with keys and the strips that will never wind,
Were put to sea in a leaky boat and with never a bite to eat
But a couple of dozen of patent cans in which was their only meat.

And they sailed and sailed o’er the ocean wide and never they had a taste
Of aught to eat, for the cans stayed shut, and a peek-a-boo shirtwaist
Was all they had to bale the brine that came in the leaky boat;
And their tongues were thick and their throats were dry, and they barely kept afloat.

They came at last to an island fair, and a man stood on the shore.
So they flew a signal of distress and their hopes rose high once more,
And they called to him to fetch a boat, for their craft was sinking fast,
And a couple of hours at best they knew was all their boat would last.

So he called to them a cheery call and he said he would make haste,
But first he must go back to his wife and button up her waist,
Which would only take him an hour or so and then he would fetch a boat.
And the man who invented the backstairs waist, he groaned in his swollen throat.

The hours passed by on leaden wings and they saw another man
In the window of a bungalow, and he held a tin meat can
In his bleeding hands, and they called to him, not once but twice and thrice,
And he said: “Just wait till I open this and I’ll be there in a trice!”

And the man who invented the patent cans he knew what the promise meant,
So he leaped in air with a horrid cry and into the sea he went,
And the bubbles rose where he sank and sank and a groan choked in the throat
Of the man who invented the backstairs waist and he sank with the leaky boat!
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Sam Walter Foss (1858-1911)
 

The Meeting of the Clabberhuses
 

                            I

He was the Chairman of the Guild
    Of Early Pleiocene Patriarchs;
He was chief Mentor of the Lodge
    Of the Oracular Oligarchs;
He was the Lord High Autocrat
    And Vizier of the Sons of Light,
And Sultan and Grand Mandarin
    Of the Millennial Men of Might.

He was Grand Totem and High Priest
    Of the Independent Potentates;
Grand Mogul of the Galaxy
    Of the Illustrious Stay-out-lates;
The President of the Dandydudes,
    The Treasurer of the Sons of Glee;
The Leader of the Clubtown Band
    And Architects of Melody.

                            II

She was Grand Worthy Prophetess
    Of the Illustrious Maids of Mark;
Of Vestals of the Third Degree
    She was Most Potent Matriarch;
She was High Priestess of the Shrine
    Of Clubtown’s Culture Coterie,
And First Vice-President of the League
    Of the illustrious G. A. B.

She was the First Dame of the Club
    For teaching Patagonians Greek;
She was Chief Clerk and Auditor
    Of Clubtown’s Anti-Bachelor Clique;
She was High Treasurer of the Fund
    For Borrioboolighalians,
And the Fund for Sending Browning’s Poems
    To Native-born Australians.

                            III

Once to a crowded social fête
    Both these much-titled people came,
And each perceived, when introduced,
    They had the selfsame name.
Their hostess said, when first they met:
    “Permit me now to introduce
My good friend Mr. Clabberhuse
    To Mrs. Clabberhuse.”

“‘Tis very strange,” said she to him,
    “Such an unusual name!—
A name so very seldom heard,
    That we should bear the same.”
“Indeed, ’tis wonderful,” said he,
    “And I’m surprised the more,
Because I never heard the name
    Outside my home before.

“But now I come to look at you,”
    Said he, “upon my life,
If I am not indeed deceived,
    You are—you are—my wife.”
She gazed into his searching face
    And seemed to look him through;
“Indeed,” said she, “it seems to me
    You are my husband, too.

“I’ve been so busy with my clubs
    And in my various spheres
I have not seen you now,” she said,
    “For over fourteen years.”
“That’s just the way it’s been with me,
    These clubs demand a sight”—
And then they both politely bowed,
    And sweetly said “Good night.”
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by W. S. Gilbert (1836-1911)
 

Etiquette
 

The Ballyshannon foundered off the coast of Cariboo,
And down in fathoms many went the captain and the crew;
Down went the owners—greedy men whom hope of gain allured:
Oh, dry the starting tear, for they were heavily insured.

Besides the captain and the mate, the owners and the crew,
The passengers were also drowned excepting only two:
Young Peter Gray, who tasted teas for Baker, Croop, and Co.,
And Somers, who from Eastern shores imported indigo.

These passengers, by reason of their clinging to a mast,
Upon a desert island were eventually cast.
They hunted for their meals, as Alexander Selkirk used,
But they couldn’t chat together—they had not been introduced.

For Peter Gray, and Somers, too, though certainly in trade,
Were properly particular about the friends they made;
And somehow thus they settled it, without a word of mouth,
That Gray should take the northern half, while Somers took the south.

On Peter’s portion oysters grew—a delicacy rare,
But oysters were a delicacy Peter couldn’t bear.
On Somer’s side was turtle, on the shingle lying thick,
Which Somers couldn’t eat, because it always made him sick.

Gray gnashed his teeth with envy as he saw a mighty store
Of turtle unmolested on his fellow-creature’s shore.
The oysters at his feet aside impatiently he shoved,
For turtle and his mother were the only things he loved.

And Somers sighed in sorrow as he settled in the south,
For the thought of Peter’s oysters brought the water to his mouth.
He longed to lay him down upon the shelly bed, and stuff:
He had often eaten oysters, but had never had enough.

How they wished an introduction to each other they had had
When on board the Ballyshannon! And it drove them nearly mad
To think how very friendly with each other they might get,
If it wasn’t for the arbitrary rule of etiquette!

One day, when out a-hunting for the mus ridiculus,
Gray overheard his fellow-man soliloquising thus:
“I wonder how the playmates of my youth are getting on,
M’Connell, S. B. Walters, Paddy Byles, and Robinson?”

These simple words made Peter as delighted as could be;
Old chummies at the Charterhouse were Robinson and he.
He walked straight up to Somers, then he turned extremely red,
Hesitated, hummed and hawed a bit, then cleared his throat, and said:

“I beg your pardon—pray forgive me if I seem too bold,
But you have breathed a name I knew familiarly of old.
You spoke aloud of Robinson—I happened to be by.
You know him?” “Yes, extremely well.” “Allow me, so do I.”

It was enough: they felt they could more pleasantly get on,
For (ah, the magic of the fact!) they each knew Robinson!
And Mr. Somers’ turtle was at Peter’s service quite,
And Mr. Somers punished Peter’s oyster-beds all night.

They soon became like brothers from community of wrongs;
They wrote each other little odes and sang each other songs;
They told each other anecdotes disparaging their wives;
On several occasions, too, they saved each other’s lives.

They felt quite melancholy when they parted for the night,
And got up in the morning soon as ever it was light;
Each other’s pleasant company they reckoned so upon,
And all because it happened that they both knew Robinson!

They lived for many years on that inhospitable shore,
And day by day they learned to love each other more and more.
At last, to their astonishment, on getting up one day,
They saw a frigate anchored in the offing of the bay.

To Peter an idea occurred. “Suppose we cross the main?
So good an opportunity may not be found again.”
And Somers thought a minute, then ejaculated, “Done!
I wonder how my business in the City’s getting on?”

“But stay,” said Mr. Peter; “when in England, as you know,
I earned a living tasting teas for Baker, Croop, and Co.,
I may be superseded—my employers think me dead!”
“Then come with me,” said Somers, “and taste indigo instead.”

But all their plans were scattered in a moment when they found
The vessel was a convict ship from Portland outward bound;
When a boat came off to fetch them, though they felt it very kind,
To go on board they firmly but respectfully declined.

As both the happy settlers roared with laughter at the joke,
They recognized a gentlemanly fellow pulling stroke:
‘Twas Robinson—a convict, in an unbecoming frock!
Condemned to seven years for misappropriating stock!!!

They laughed no more, for Somers thought he had been rather rash
In knowing one whose friend had misappropriated cash;
And Peter thought a foolish tack he must have gone upon
In making the acquaintance of a friend of Robinson.

At first they didn’t quarrel very openly, I’ve heard;
They nodded when they met, and now and then exchanged a word:
The word grew rare, and rarer still the nodding of the head.
And when they meet each other now, they cut each other dead.

To allocate the island they agreed by word of mouth,
And Peter takes the north again, and Somers takes the south;
And Peter has the oysters, which he hates, in layers thick,
And Somers has the turtle—turtle always makes him sick.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Wallace Irwin (1876-1959)
 

A Grain of Salt
 

Of all the wimming doubly blest
The sailor’s wife’s the happiest,
For all she does is stay to home
And knit and darn—and let ‘im roam.

Of all the husbands on the earth
The sailor has the finest berth,
For in ‘is cabin he can sit
And sail and sail—and let ‘er knit.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Ben King (1857-1894)
 

The Pessimist (The Sum of Life)
 

Nothing to do but work,
    Nothing to eat but food,
Nothing to wear but clothes,
    To keep one from going nude.

Nothing to breathe but air,
    Quick as a flash ‘t is gone;
Nowhere to fall but off,
    Nowhere to stand but on.

Nothing to comb but hair,
    Nowhere to sleep but in bed,
Nothing to weep but tears,
    Nothing to bury but dead.

Nothing to sing but songs,
    Ah, well, alas! alack!
Nowhere to go but out,
    Nowhere to come but back.

Nothing to see but sights,
    Nothing to quench but thirst,
Nothing to have but what we’ve got
    Thus through life we are cursed.

Nothing to strike but a gait;
    Everything moves that goes.
Nothing at all but common sense
    Can ever withstand these woes.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Edward Lear (1812-1888)
 

The Owl and the Pussy-Cat
 

The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea
    In a beautiful pea-green boat:
They took some honey, and plenty of money
    Wrapped up in a five-pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
    And sang to a small guitar,
“Oh, lovely Pussy, oh, Pussy, my love,
    What a beautiful Pussy you are,
                You are,
                You are!
    What a beautiful Pussy you are!”

Pussy said to the Owl, “You elegant fowl,
    How charmingly sweet you sing!
Oh, let us be married; too long we have tarried:
    But what shall we do for a ring?”
They sailed away for a year and a day,
    To the land where the bong-tree grows;
And there in the wood a Piggy-wig stood,
    With a ring at the end of his nose,
                His nose,
                His nose,
    With a ring at the end of his nose.

“Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
    Your ring?” Said the Piggy, “I will.”
So they took it away and were married next day
    By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince and slices of quince,
    Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
    They danced by the light of the moon,
                The moon,
                The moon,
    They danced by the light of the moon.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Henry S. Leigh (1837-1883)
 

The Twins
 

In form and feature, face and limb,
    I grew so like my brother,
That folks got taking me for him,
    And each for one another.
It puzzled all our kith and kin,
    It reach’d an awful pitch;
For one of us was born a twin,
    Yet not a soul knew which.

One day (to make the matter worse),
    Before our names were fix’d,
As we were being wash’d by nurse
    We got completely mix’d;
And thus, you see, by Fate’s decree,
    (Or rather nurse’s whim),
My brother John got christen’d me,
    And I got christen’d him.

This fatal likeness even dogg’d
    My footsteps when at school,
And I was always getting flogg’d,
    For John turned out a fool.
I put this question hopelessly
    To every one I knew—
What would you do, if you were me,
    To prove that you were you?

Our close resemblance turn’d the tide
    Of my domestic life;
For somehow my intended bride
    Became my brother’s wife.
In short, year after year the same
    Absurd mistakes went on;
And when I died—the neighbors came
    And buried brother John!
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Charles Battell Loomis (1861-1911)
 

a fresh hack at an old knot
 

O-U-G-H
 

I’m taught p-l-o-u-g-h
    S’all be pronouncé “plow.”
“Zat’s easy w’en you know,” I say,
    “Mon Anglais, I’ll get through!”

My teacher say zat in zat case,
    O-u-g-h is “oo.”
And zen I laugh and say to him,
    “Zees Anglais make me cough.”

He say “Not ‘coo,’ but in zat word,
    O-u-g-h is ‘off,'”
Oh, Sacre bleu! such varied sounds
    Of words makes me hiccough!

He say, “Again mon frien’ ees wrong;
    O-u-g-h is ‘up’
In hiccough.” Zen I cry, “No more,
    You make my t’roat feel rough.”

“Non, non!” he cry, “you are not right;
    O-u-g-h is ‘uff.'”
I say, “I try to spik your words,
    I cannot spik zem though!”

“In time you’ll learn, but now you’re wrong!
    O-u-g-h is ‘owe.'”
“I’ll try no more, I s’all go mad,
    I’ll drown me in ze lough!”

“But ere you drown yourself,” said he,
    “O-u-g-h is ‘ock.'”
He taught no more, I held him fast,
    And killed him wiz a rough.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by William Maginn (1793-1842)
 

The Irishman and the Lady
 

    There was a lady liv’d at Leith,
        A lady very stylish, man;
    And yet, in spite of all her teeth,
        She fell in love with an Irishman—
            A nasty, ugly Irishman,
            A wild, tremendous Irishman,
A tearing, swearing, thumping, bumping, ranting, roaring Irishman.

    His face was no ways beautiful,
        For with small-pox ’twas scarr’d across;
    And the shoulders of the ugly dog
        Were almost double a yard across.
            Oh, the lump of an Irishman,
            The whiskey-devouring Irishman,
The great he-rogue with his wonderful brogue—the fighting, rioting
            Irishman!

    One of his eyes was bottle-green,
        And the other eye was out, my dear;
    And the calves of his wicked-looking legs
        Were more than two feet about, my dear.
            Oh, the great big Irishman,
            The rattling, battling Irishman—
The stamping, ramping, swaggering, staggering, leathering swash of an
            Irishman!

    He took so much of Lundy-foot
        That he used to snort and snuffle—O!
    And in shape and size the fellow’s neck
        Was as bad as the neck of a buffalo.
            Oh, the horrible Irishman,
            The thundering, blundering Irishman—
The slashing, dashing, smashing, lashing, thrashing, hashing Irishman!

    His name was a terrible name, indeed,
        Being Timothy Thady Mulligan;
    And whenever he emptied his tumbler of punch
        He’d not rest till he fill’d it full again.
            The boosing, bruising Irishman,
            The ‘toxicated Irishman—
The whiskey, frisky, rummy, gummy, brandy, no dandy Irishman!

    This was the lad the lady lov’d,
        Like all the girls of quality;
    And he broke the skulls of the men of Leith,
        Just by the way of jollity.
            Oh, the leathering Irishman,
            The barbarous, savage Irishman—
The hearts of the maids, and the gentlemen’s heads, were bothered, I’m
            sure, by this Irishman!
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Tom Masson (1866-1934)
 

The Kiss
 

“What other men have dared, I dare,”
    He said. “I’m daring, too:
And tho’ they told me to beware,
    One kiss I’ll take from you.

“Did I say one? Forgive me, dear;
    That was a grave mistake,
For when I’ve taken one, I fear,
    One hundred more I’ll take.

“‘Tis sweet one kiss from you to win,
    But to stop there? Oh, no!
One kiss is only to begin;
    There is no end, you know.”

The maiden rose from where she sat
    And gently raised her head:
“No man has ever talked like that—
    You may begin,” she said.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 

If You Have Seen
 

Good reader! if you e’er have seen,
    When Phœbus hastens to his pillow,
The mermaids, with their tresses green,
    Dancing upon the western billow:
If you have seen, at twilight dim,
When the lone spirit’s vesper hymn
    Floats wild along the winding shore:
If you have seen, through mist of eve,
The fairy train their ringlets weave,
Glancing along the spangled green;—
    If you have seen all this and more,
God bless me! what a deal you’ve seen!
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Robert Henry Newell, a.k.a. Orpheus C. Kerr, (1836-1901)
 

A Great Fight
 

“There was a man in Arkansaw
    As let his passions rise,
And not unfrequently picked out
    Some other varmint’s eyes.

“His name was Tuscaloosa Sam
    And often he would say,
‘There’s not a cuss in Arkansaw
    I can’t whip any day.’

“One morn, a stranger passin’ by,
    Heard Sammy talkin’ so,
And down he scrambled from his hoss,
    And off his coat did go.

“He sorter kinder shut one eye,
    And spit into his hand,
And put his ugly head one side,
    And twitched his trowsers’ band.

“‘My boy,’ says he, ‘it’s my belief,
    Whomever you may be,
That I kin make you screech, and smell
    Pertiklor agony.’

“I’m thar,’ said Tuscaloosa Sam,
    And chucked his hat away;
‘I’m thar,’ says he, and buttoned up
    As far as buttons may.

“He thundered on the stranger’s mug,
    The stranger pounded he;
And oh! the way them critters fit
    Was beautiful to see.

“They clinched like two rampageous bears,
    And then went down a bit;
They swore a stream of six-inch oaths
    And fit, and fit, and fit.

“When Sam would try to work away,
    And on his pegs to git,
The stranger’d pull him back; and so,
    They fit, and fit, and fit!

“Then like a pair of lobsters, both
    Upon the ground were knit,
And yet the varmints used their teeth,
    And fit, and fit, and fit!!

“The sun of noon was high above,
    And hot enough to split,
But only riled the fellers more,
    That fit, and fit, and fit!!!

“The stranger snapped at Samy’s nose,
    And shortened it a bit;
And then they both swore awful hard,
    And fit, and fit, and fit!!!!

“The mud it flew, the sky grew dark,
    And all the litenins lit;
But still them critters rolled about,
    And fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!

“First Sam on top, then t’other chap;
    When one would make a hit,
The other’d smell the grass; and so
    They fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!!

“The night came on, the stars shone out
    As bright as wimmen’s wit;
And still them fellers swore and gouged,
    And fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!!!

“The neighbours heard the noise they made,
    And thought an earthquake lit;
Yet all the while ’twas him and Sam
    As fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!!!!

“For miles around the noise was heard;
    Folks couldn’t sleep a bit,
Because them two rantankerous chaps
    Still fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!!!!!

“But jist at cock-crow, suddenly,
    There came an awful pause,
And I and my old man run out
    To ascertain the cause.

“The sun was rising in the yeast,
    And lit the hull concern;
But not a sign of either chap
    Was found at any turn.

“Yet, in the region where they fit,
    We found, to our surprise,
One pint of buttons, two big knives,
    Some whiskers, and four, eyes!”
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by E. H. Palmer (1840-1882)
 

The Shipwreck
 

Upon the poop the captain stands,
    As starboard as may be;
And pipes on deck the topsail hands
To reef the topsail-gallant strands
    Across the briny sea.

“Ho! splice the anchor under-weigh!”
    The captain loudly cried;
“Ho! lubbers brave, belay! belay!
For we must luff for Falmouth Bay
    Before to-morrow’s tide.”

The good ship was a racing yawl,
    A spare-rigged schooner sloop,
Athwart the bows the taffrails all
In grummets gay appeared to fall,
    To deck the mainsail poop.

But ere they made the Foreland Light,
    And Deal was left behind,
The wind it blew great gales that night,
And blew the doughty captain tight,
    Full three sheets in the wind.

And right across the tiller head
    The horse it ran apace,
Whereon a traveller hitched and sped
Along the jib and vanished
    To heave the trysail brace.

What ship could live in such a sea?
    What vessel bear the shock?
“Ho! starboard port your helm-a-lee!
Ho! reef the maintop-gallant-tree,
    With many a running block!”

And right upon the Scilly Isles
    The ship had run aground;
When lo! the stalwart Captain Giles
Mounts up upon the gaff and smiles,
    And slews the compass round.

“Saved! saved!” with joy the sailors cry,
    And scandalize the skiff;
As taut and hoisted high and dry
They see the ship unstoppered lie
    Upon the sea-girt cliff.

And since that day in Falmouth Bay,
    As herring-fishers trawl,
The younkers hear the boatswains say
How Captain Giles that awful day
    Preserved the sinking yawl.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by J. R. Planché (1796-1880)
 

Song
 

Three score and ten by common calculation
    The years of man amount to; but we’ll say
He turns four-score, yet, in my estimation,
    In all those years he has not lived a day.

Out of the eighty you must first remember
    The hours of night you pass asleep in bed;
And, counting from December to December,
    Just half your life you’ll find you have been dead.

To forty years at once by this reduction
    We come; and sure, the first five from your birth,
While cutting teeth and living upon suction,
    You’re not alive to what this life is worth.

From thirty-five next take for education
    Fifteen at least at college and at school;
When, notwithstanding all your application,
    The chances are you may turn out a fool.

Still twenty we have left us to dispose of,
    But during them your fortune you’ve to make;
And granting, with the luck of some one knows of,
    ‘Tis made in ten—that’s ten from life to take.

Out of the ten yet left you must allow for
    The time for shaving, tooth and other aches,
Say four—and that leaves, six, too short, I vow, for
    Regretting past and making fresh mistakes.

Meanwhile each hour dispels some fond illusion;
    Until at length, sans eyes, sans teeth, you may
Have scarcely sense to come to this conclusion—
    You’ve reached four-score, but haven’t lived a day!
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by James Whitcomb Riley (1849-1916)
 

When the Frost Is on the Punkin
 

When the frost is on the punkin and the fodder’s in the shock,
And you hear the kyouck and gobble of the struttin’ turkey-cock,
And the clackin’ of the guineys, and the cluckin’ of the hens,
And the rooster’s hallylooyer as he tiptoes on the fence;
O it’s then’s the times a feller is a-feelin’ at his best,
With the risin’ sun to greet him from a night of peaceful rest,
As he leaves the house, bare-headed, and goes out to feed the stock,
When the frost is on the punkin and the fodder’s in the shock.

They’s something kindo’ hearty-like about the atmosphere,
When the heat of summer’s over and the coolin’ fall is here—
Of course we miss the flowers, and the blossoms on the trees,
And the mumble of the hummin’-birds and buzzin’ of the bees;
But the air’s so appetisin’; and the landscape through the haze
Of a crisp and sunny morning of the airly autumn days
Is a pictur that no painter has the colorin’ to mock—
When the frost is on the punkin and the fodder’s in the shock.

The husky, rusty rustle of the tossels of the corn,
And the raspin’ of the tangled leaves, as golden as the morn;
The stubble in the furries—kindo’ lonesome-like, but still
A-preachin’ sermons to us of the barns they growed to fill;
The strawstack in the medder, and the reaper in the shed;
The hosses in theyr stalls below—the clover overhead!—
O, it sets my heart a-clickin’ like the tickin’ of a clock,
When the frost is on the punkin and the fodder’s in the shock!
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Ernest Lawrence Thayer (1863-1940)
 

Casey at the Bat
 

It looked extremely rocky for the Mudville nine that day,
The score stood four to six with but an inning left to play.
And so, when Cooney died at first, and Burrows did the same,
A pallor wreathed the features of the patrons of the game.
A straggling few got up to go, leaving there the rest,
With that hope which springs eternal within the human breast.
For they thought if only Casey could get a whack at that,
They’d put up even money with Casey at the bat.
But Flynn preceded Casey, and likewise so did Blake,
And the former was a pudding and the latter was a fake;
So on that stricken multitude a death-like silence sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Casey’s getting to the bat.
But Flynn let drive a single to the wonderment of all,
And the much despisèd Blakey tore the cover off the ball,
And when the dust had lifted and they saw what had occurred,
There was Blakey safe on second, and Flynn a-hugging third.
Then from the gladdened multitude went up a joyous yell,
It bounded from the mountain top and rattled in the dell,
It struck upon the hillside, and rebounded on the flat,
For Casey, mighty Casey, was advancing to the bat.
There was ease in Casey’s manner as he stepped into his place,
There was pride in Casey’s bearing and a smile on Casey’s face,
And when responding to the cheers he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt, ’twas Casey at the bat.
Ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt,
Five thousand tongues applauded as he wiped them on his shirt;
And while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip—
Defiance gleamed from Casey’s eye—a sneer curled Casey’s lip.
And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Casey stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there;
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped—
“That hain’t my style,” said Casey—“Strike one,” the Umpire said.
From the bleachers black with people there rose a sullen roar,
Like the beating of the storm waves on a stern and distant shore,
“Kill him! kill the Umpire!” shouted some one from the stand—
And it’s likely they’d have done it had not Casey raised his hand.
With a smile of Christian charity great Casey’s visage shone,
He stilled the rising tumult and he bade the game go on;
He signalled to the pitcher and again the spheroid flew,
But Casey still ignored it and the Umpire said “Strike two.”
“Fraud!” yelled the maddened thousands, and the echo answered “Fraud,”
But one scornful look from Casey and the audience was awed;
They saw his face grow stern and cold; they saw his muscles strain,
And they knew that Casey would not let that ball go by again.
The sneer is gone from Casey’s lip; his teeth are clenched with hate,
He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate;
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Casey’s blow.
Oh! somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright,
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville—mighty Casey has “Struck Out.”
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

by Paul West (1871-1918)
 

The Cumberbunce
 

I strolled beside the shining sea,
I was as lonely as could be;
No one to cheer me in my walk
But stones and sand, which cannot talk—
Sand and stones and bits of shell,
Which never have a thing to tell.

But as I sauntered by the tide
I saw a something at my side,
A something green, and blue, and pink,
And brown, and purple, too, I think.
I would not say how large it was;
I would not venture that, because
It took me rather by surprise,
And I have not the best of eyes.

Should you compare it to a cat,
I’d say it was as large as that;
Or should you ask me if the thing
Was smaller than a sparrow’s wing,
I should be apt to think you knew,
And simply answer, “Very true!”

Well, as I looked upon the thing,
It murmured, “Please, sir, can I sing?”
And then I knew its name at once—
It plainly was a Cumberbunce.

You are amazed that I could tell
The creature’s name so quickly? Well,
I knew it was not a paper-doll,
A pencil or a parasol,
A tennis-racket or a cheese,
And, as it was not one of these,
And I am not a perfect dunce—
It had to be a Cumberbunce!

With pleading voice and tearful eye
It seemed as though about to cry.
It looked so pitiful and sad
It made me feel extremely bad.
My heart was softened to the thing
That asked me if it, please, could sing.
Its little hand I longed to shake,
But, oh, it had no hand to take!
I bent and drew the creature near,
And whispered in its pale blue ear,
“What! Sing, my Cumberbunce? You can!
Sing on, sing loudly, little man!”

The Cumberbunce, without ado,
Gazed sadly on the ocean blue,
And, lifting up its little head,
In tones of awful longing, said:

        “Oh, I would sing of mackerel skies,
            And why the sea is wet,
        Of jelly-fish and conger-eels,
            And things that I forget.
        And I would hum a plaintive tune
            Of why the waves are hot
        As water boiling on a stove,
            Excepting that they’re not!

        “And I would sing of hooks and eyes,
            And why the sea is slant,
        And gayly tips the little ships,
            Excepting that I can’t!
        I never sang a single song,
            I never hummed a note.
        There is in me no melody,
            No music in my throat.

        “So that is why I do not sing
        Of sharks, or whales, or anything!”

I looked in innocent surprise,
My wonder showing in my eyes,
“Then why, O, Cumberbunce,” I cried,
“Did you come walking at my side
And ask me if you, please, might sing,
When you could not warble anything?”

“I did not ask permission, sir,
I really did not, I aver.
You, sir, misunderstood me, quite.
I did not ask you if I might.
Had you correctly understood,
You’d know I asked you if I could.
So, as I cannot sing a song,
Your answer, it is plain, was wrong.
The fact I could not sing I knew,
But wanted your opinion, too.”

    A voice came softly o’er the lea.
    “Farewell! my mate is calling me!”

I saw the creature disappear,
Its voice, in parting, smote my ear—
“I thought all people understood
The difference ‘twixt ‘might’ and ‘could’!”
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

poet unknown
 

Any One Will Do
 

A maiden once, of certain age,
To catch a husband did engage;
But, having passed the prime of life
In striving to become a wife
Without success, she thought it time
To mend the follies of her prime.

Departing from the usual course
Of paint and such like for resource,
With all her might this ancient maid
Beneath an oak-tree knelt and prayed;
Unconscious that a grave old owl
Was perched above—the mousing fowl!

“Oh, give! a husband give!” she cried,
“While yet I may become a bride;
Soon will my day of grace be o’er,
And then, like many maids before,
I’ll die without an early Jove,
And none to meet me there above!

“Oh, ’tis a fate too hard to bear!
Then answer this my humble prayer,
And oh, a husband give to me!”
Just then the owl from out the tree,
In deep bass tones cried, “Who—who—who!”
“Who, Lord? And dost Thou ask me who?
Why, any one, good Lord, will do.”
 

 

~~~~~

 

poet unknown
 

The Bells
 

Oh, it’s H-A-P-P-Y I am, and it’s F-R-double-E,
And it’s G-L-O-R-Y to know that I’m S-A-V-E-D.
Once I was B-O-U-N-D by the chains of S-I-N
And it’s L-U-C-K-Y I am that all is well again.

Oh, the bells of Hell go ting-a-ling-a-ling
    For you, but not for me.
The bells of Heaven go sing-a-ling-a-ling
    For there I soon shall be.
Oh, Death, where is thy sting-a-ling-a-ling
    Oh, Grave, thy victorie-e.
No Ting-a-ling-a-ling, no sting-a-ling-a-ling
    But sing-a-ling-a-ling for me.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

poet unknown
 

Homœopathic Soup
 

    Take a robin’s leg
(Mind, the drumstick merely);
    Put it in a tub
Filled with water nearly;
    Set it out of doors,
In a place that’s shady;
    Let it stand a week
(Three days if for a lady);
    Drop a spoonful of it
In a five-pail kettle,
    Which may be made of tin
Or any baser metal;
    Fill the kettle up,
Set it on a boiling,
    Strain the liquor well,
To prevent its oiling;
    One atom add of salt,
For the thickening one rice kernel,
    And use to light the fire
“The Homœopathic Journal.”
    Let the liquor boil
Half an hour, no longer,
    (If ’tis for a man
Of course you’ll make it stronger).
    Should you now desire
That the soup be flavoury,
    Stir it once around,
With a stalk of savoury.
    When the broth is made,
Nothing can excell it:
    Then three times a day
Let the patient smell it.
    If he chance to die,
Say ’twas Nature did it:
    If he chance to live,
Give the soup the credit.
 

 

~~~~~

 

poet unknown
 

Love’s Moods and Senses
 

Sally Salter, she was a young lady who taught,
And her friend Charley Church was a preacher who praught!
Though his enemies called him a screecher who scraught.

His heart when he saw her kept sinking and sunk,
And his eye, meeting hers, began winking and wunk;
While she in her turn fell to thinking, and thunk.

He hastened to woo her, and sweetly he wooed,
For his love grew until to a mountain it grewed,
And what he was longing to do then he doed.

In secret he wanted to speak, and he spoke,
To seek with his lips what his heart long had soke;
So he managed to let the truth leak, and it loke.

He asked her to ride to the church, and they rode,
They so sweetly did glide, that they both thought they glode,
And they came to the place to be tied, and were tode.

Then, “homeward” he said, “let us drive” and they drove,
And soon as they wished to arrive, they arrove;
For whatever he couldn’t contrive she controve.

The kiss he was dying to steal, then he stole:
At the feet where he wanted to kneel, then he knole,
And said, “I feel better than ever I fole.”

So they to each other kept clinging, and clung;
While time his swift circuit was winging, and wung;
And this was the thing he was bringing, and brung:

The man Sally wanted to catch, and had caught—
That she wanted from others to snatch, and had snaught—
Was the one that she now liked to scratch and she scraught.

And Charley’s warm love began freezing and froze,
While he took to teasing, and cruelly toze
The girl he had wished to be squeezing and squoze.

“Wretch!” he cried, when she threatened to leave him, and left,
“How could you deceive me, as you have deceft?”
And she answered, “I promised to cleave, and I’ve cleft!”
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

poet unknown
 

The Modern Hiawatha
 

He killed the noble Mudjokivis.
Of the skin he made him mittens,
Made them with the fur side inside
Made them with the skin side outside.
He, to get the warm side inside,
Put the inside skin side outside;
He, to get the cold side outside,
Put the warm side fur side inside.
That’s why he put the fur side inside,
Why he put the skin side outside.
Why he turned them inside outside.
 

 

~~~~~

 

poet unknown
 

Rural Raptures
 

‘Tis sweet at dewy eve to rove
    When softly sighs the western breeze,
And wandering ‘mid the starlit grove
    To take a pinch of snuff and sneeze.

‘Tis sweet to see in daisied field
    The flocks and herds their pleasure take;
But sweeter are the joys they yield
    In tender chop and juicy steak.

‘Tis sweet to hear the murmurous sound
    That from the vocal woods doth rise,
To mark the pigeons wheeling round,
    And think how nice they’d be in pies.

When nightingales pour from their throats
    Their gushing melody, ’tis sweet;
Yet sweeter ’tis to catch the notes
    That issue from Threadneedle Street.
 

 

~~~~~

 


   

~~~~~

 


   

~~~~~

4 Comments »

  1. omg. what would i do without you? these are fabulous!

    i’m still chuckling. great stuff.

    Comment by catnapping — January 28, 2008 @ 6:33 pm

  2. Who is the first person who invented shoes. I need to know right know

    Comment by CATALINA — May 21, 2008 @ 8:32 pm

  3. I’m a great fan of William Maginn and it’s inexplicable why nobody has yet published a modern edition of his poetry/tales.

    Comment by Tychy — June 1, 2008 @ 4:25 pm

  4. wonderful collection of poetry!

    one note- the modern hiawatha is by strong:
    http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/559.html

    lovely site- will continue to peruse!

    cheers!

    Comment by anna — October 6, 2008 @ 6:25 pm


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